This article was originally published on 365Economist
Reviews can make or break a business. A handful of great reviews can help products fly off the shelves, while one bad review can have potential customers running for the hills. In recent years, online shoppers and restaurant-goers have come to rely heavily on online reviews so you think people would approach writing reviews quite seriously, right? Wrong! Here are some of our favorite, ludicrous, bizarre, and overall bonkers reviews on the web. Read at your own discretion!
A Taste Of Their Own Medicine
Bored with giving away their hard-earned money, this gamer gave Electronic Arts a dose of their own medicine. In giving their game a one-star review but telling the company more stars were available for $5.49, they also made a clever, bold, and much-needed statement about the company's pay-to-play monetization of video games. In 2016, the company earned $1.2 billion from DLC (downloadable content) like add-ons, expansion packs, and loot boxes.
And for ten minutes, they basked in the glory of being a true gaming hero... before retreating back to the safety of their mom's basement.
Dad Leaves Bad Review For Baby Daughter's Kitchen
Every father will relate to this post. Despite being the only customer in the joint, there was still no sign of any food after a 45-minute wait. Dutiful dad Chris must have the patience of a saint. After bemoaning the lack of customer service, he said he would maybe come back and give his adorable daughter's kitchen another go. The other option was complaining to the kitchen manager, his Baby Mama!
We wonder what kind of food they serve at this restaurant. It looks like a classy joint to us!
She'll Be Wearing Purple Leggings When She Comes Down The Mountain
When this poor lady faceplanted a mountain, she froze like a goth in sunlight, too scared to stand up. But after sliding on her bottom to the bottom of the mountain, she was elated to find that her new leggings were intact and unscathed. In fact, she was so happy that she grabbed her partner's phone and went straight to the indestructible leggings manufacturer's website to write them a glowing review.
Without a second thought, she uploaded these rather embarrassing photos, gave the product five stars, ordered a pair in every color available, and a pair of pink pajamas for the next time she'll be comin' down the mountain.
The Customer Isn't Always Right
If perhaps you're not from the good 'ole US of A, Sonic Drive-In is a fast-food chain most commonly found in the southern states. But when someone called for customers to boycott the restaurant, the chain's social media department had little sympathy. It all started when the irate customer posted that their pregnant daughter had almost choked on a piece of wood from "y'all's sh*tty corndog" together with a photo of the incriminating evidence.
And the fast-food company didn't hold back when replying. Mirroring the customer's original language, they basically told the customer they could stick their next corndog where the sun don't shine!
Edible Beds = Bedible
Most drunk people crave savory food, like burgers. But this reviewer claims they were drunk, hungry, and craving something sweet. So they jumped on the interwebs and ordered this brown and white blow-up double bed, believing it to be a giant, $150 ice cream sandwich. While the edible bed... or bedible story sounds pretty unlikely, take a second to imagine if it were real! Such a delicious treat couldn't really exist, could it?
Well, think again! The largest ice cream sandwich ever was created in Plattsmouth, Nebraska, on October 22nd, 2021. The behemoth weighed in at a whopping 2,960 lb (1,342.6 kg).
Not A Laughing Matter
This anonymous review of an anonymous County Sheriff's Department definitely made us laugh. But the same could not be said of the sheriffs who were called out to rescue a local citizen who'd gotten their head stuck in a fence. The sheriffs and their deputies didn't even laugh once! The person who was stuck in their fence was so impressed that they went online to give the Sheriff's Department a five-star review.
But the next week, when their cat got stuck in a tree, the fire department thought it was side-splittingly hilarious and only received a one-star review.
User Could Not Understand The Instructions
This is a classic case of the user not understanding the instructions. After a month, this rather rotund black and white cat still hadn't figured out it needed to get in this cat hammock, instead of just sitting underneath it. The owner seemingly tried everything except picking the cat up and placing it in the damned contraption. The cat's owner admitted their cat is kinda special but this isn't an isolated case.
Cats will famously not do what you tell them. If you buy them a $1,000 cat tree, they'll have more fun hiding in the box it came in!
They Have The Power
This write-up for an expensive Swiss Army Knife quickly went south into the realm of the unexpected. Reviewer S.J. Huse calmly states they were hiking through Switzerland when they pulled this knife from a rock and got more than they bargained for when they were crowned king of the alpine nation. It's a play on the sword in the stone, where King Arthur pulls the fabled sword Excalibur from a rock.
As King of Switzerland, S.J. was allowed to eat all the Toblerones and fondu he could stomach.... washed down with milk from that famous purple cow.
Killer Response
British folk are famous for not speaking up. Instead, they prefer to bite their tongue. But when they do complain, they don't hold back. And the same can be said for restaurant owners. The customer's complaint seems justified until you read the restaurant's response... which is angry to the point of hilariousness! And it's the very last line of the review––in which the restaurant thanks the reviewer for their review––that's the killer.
That response definitely put the customer in her place. Do you think she ever ordered food from them again? Or did she do the right thing and move county?
It Could Have Been Worse
The very definition of matter-of-fact, this is one of our favorite reviews today. This four-act story starts off by setting the scene: "I got stabbed here," before Act Two describes that the food and drinks were tasty. Then, to ram it home, Act Three reminds us that they got stabbed there. And then comes the M. Night Shyamalan, Sixth Sense-like twist! Finally, cool as a cucumber, Act Four states, "Would consider going back."
We've all heard the phrase "wild horses couldn't keep me away..." well, not even getting stabbed would keep this dude away. Basically, it's the best endorsement imaginable.
Gettin' Down And Dirty
One of the biggest ways companies upset customers is via misleading product descriptions. This is why customer reviews exist... to help people ensure they'll receive the advertised product. So when you do find a review saying a product comes exactly as described, you can rest assured you're getting what you pay for. But rarely in the relatively short history of online reviews has there been such an honest review as this one...
A wood stain product in the United Kingdom harnessed such brutal honesty for its advertising slogan, which proudly boasted "It does exactly what it says on the tin." No gimmicks, no false promises.
Well They're Not Wrong
Back in 2010, Mr. Carlton B Morgan from the United Kingdom reviewed Jane Austin's book, Pride and Prejudice. The much-loved 1813 novel is a literary classic and features themes on etiquette, courtship, and marriage. But that doesn't;t mean Carlton doesn't make a good point. When Mrs. Bennett and her sisters aren't failing the Bechdel Test by talking about boys and wallpaper, they're visiting other posh people's houses. In fairness, in one rare moment of excitement, Mr. Darcy emerges shirtless from a pond.
But apart from that, Mr. Carlton B Morgan's review hits the nail firmly on the head. We imagine his review of Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre comes in at six words: "Mad wife locked in a closet."
Fun For All The Family At This Alligator Petting Zoo
The Arkansas Alligator Farm and Petting Zoo in Hot Springs, Arkansas have invited tourists to handle baby alligators and feed adults like sixteen-foot-long "Big Arkie" since way back in 1902. But those activities weren't enough to entertain this reviewer who suggested doing the world a favor by tossing unfriendly kids over the fence. That's slightly less funny when you see the zoo has a headstone of a fox terrier eaten by alligators in 1906!
The farm also features an alligator museum, a souvenir shop, and a snack bar. We're not sure if they can rustle you up an alligator sandwich but if you ask for one, tell them to make it snappy!
It Can Get Lonely In Remote Canada
This review on Amazon raised a few eyebrows. It begins: "It's lube, not much more to say..." But then, there was much, much more to say! Instead of The Human Caterpillar, this crazy Canadian likes to get lubed up and writhe around their bathroom like a slug. But hey, at least they found a use for the lube because no one will be writhing around in the bedroom with them!
Our favorite part of their bizarre review is the fact that "360 people found it helpful". Are you out of your tiny, sluggy minds?
The Food At This Auto Repair Shop Sucks!
Unhappy customer Elaine begins her review by stating her waitress was inattentive. This may have been true, but it seems the waitress was not as oblivious as the reviewer! Not to be messed with, in just one short sentence, the business owner cleared things up by replying that their establishment was an auto repair shop. All that gas, oil, and combustion might explain why her food tasted overcooked and burnt!
The next day, Elaine tried to buy two tickets to the latest George Clooney film... at her local DMV office. It sounds like someone needs new eyeglasses!
Psychic Sidekick
When this "professional medium" seemingly joined a gym to become a "professional small," she was initially impressed by the instructors and the cleanliness of the facility. However, the one thing she wasn't smitten with was the receptionist on the front desk. With a decade and a half's experience, the medium is very sensitive to people's energies and says Monica's dark energy assaulted her. As a result, she could only muster a one-star review.
Unfortunately, the professional and sensitive medium wasn't sensitive or professional enough to keep her psychic experience to herself and single out employees on the internet.
No Sleep Til Brooklyn
This dude chugged down a 44oz Super Big Gulp-sized cup of 5 Hour Energy Drink, and the results were equally disturbing and hilarious. Side effects included no sleep for 72 hours and peeing blood... although that might just be the normal Regular Berry flavor coloring. On the plus side, they cleaned their entire apartment from top to bottom and gained a superpower! We're surprised they didn't travel forward in time.
Astonishingly, only 6 out of 9 readers found this review helpful, meaning the other three immediately went out to repeat this 44oz, 5 Hour Energy Drink experiment. Don't try this at home. Do it in the E.R.
It's A Nice Day For A White Wedding
Going by their review, this person seems justified in feeling totally rejected and writing a bad review. The wedding officiant wouldn't customize a wedding experience to suit their needs, so fair enough, right? But when you read the wedding officiate's reply, everything starts to make sense. The minister didn't want to officiate over this person's wedding ceremony because the bride and groom wanted to tie the knot completely butt nekkid!
We hope that when they eventually found a minister to officiate over their wedding... and that the bride didn't leave the groom standing to attention at the altar!
Domino's Pizza Came Too Soon
Nick's Domino's Pizza review is Pulitzer Prize-winning stuff. You might sympathize with him for the first half of the sentence because his pizza arrived too soon. Then, you read the second part of the sentence and discover why he was quite so upset. He gives a four and a half out of six rating because––and we quote––he was "ball-deep" in his wife when the pizza arrived after just 25 minutes.
Nick's wife later gave Nick a two out of six star rating... adding that the pizza wasn't the only thing that arrived too soon that evening!
Four One Star Reviews Isn't The Same As One Four-Star Review
Naturally, some customers get upset when the product they've ordered turns out to be inferior. But sometimes it's not the product that's inferior; it's the human who bought it! For example, this Jackson safety helmet received at least four one-star reviews and bad write-ups after people complained they couldn't see through the blurry visor. One customer even ordered a replacement and guess what... the replacement helmet was just as blurry!
Err, yeah durrr... that's because they hadn't peeled off the helmet's protective film. Unfortunately, this isn't the only entry of this kind on our list today!
When The Solution Is Staring You In The Face
Oh no! If those safety helmet customers were one wrench short of a toolbox, this reviewer is one cell short of a cellphone. They were faced with a similar problem to the helmet, but their iPhone case actually had the solution printed on it! Yes, folks, the protective film even had the words REMOVE PROTECTIVE FILM printed all over it, and they still couldn't work out what was going on!
Perhaps the funniest thing is that they didn't even clock their mistake as they typed the words REMOVE PROTECTIVE FILM in their one-star review. At least they spelled disappointed correctly, though!
H2O Star Review
Here's another of those droll, matter-of-fact comedy reviews we like. This short write-up is for a lake. We don't know which lake, nor on which continent but it probably doesn't matter as this dude's review covers all lakes everywhere. And that's because every lake in the world could be described as "very lake, but could be lakier." This review perfectly demonstrates the pointlessness of some reviews. You can almost hear him thinking up his other hilarious reviews.
This mountain could be more mountainous. This Sahara Desert could be sandier. This Specific Ocean could be more specific.
This Author Made A Major Error
"The author made a major error," begins the review for this decade-hopping novel. Apparently, this significant error was not being able to predict the future! The reviewer describes how "every time I came to a chapter set in 2020, I asked myself 'when is the author going to say something about Covid-19?'' and how the author assumed the summer of 2020 would be just another regular summer with lovely weddings and no social distancing. How dare they do that!
It makes you wonder if the two-star reviewer even knows how books work. Do you think this is the first book they've ever read?
The Stuff Of Nightmares
What's pink, has eyes like pee holes in the snow, pinholes for nostrils, and a malleable mouth to eat coins? Why, this coin-eating bank, of course. It's meant to be cute and for kids, but it looks like Kuato, the conjoined psychic parasitic twin creature that grows out of his brother's stomach in Total Recall. The reviewer only gave it three stars because the accursed thing murdered the rest of his family while they slept.
The funny thing is, he only took two stars off for this thing murdering his family! How many stars would you take off if your loved ones were murdered while they slept?
What The F?
This review from Phil P. in the UK is supposed to be for a cushion but offers us an intriguing insight into this man's soul and mental health. After telling the world he found his wife falling down the stairs very, very funny... his five-star cushion review becomes a debate on who is to blame for his wife's fall. Of course, being British, the discussion revolves around a cup of tea.
Phil liked his wife's support cushion so much, he used it as a kind of security blanket... until he pooped on it. The moral of the story? Don't do drugs, kids.
Would Rather Die Than Go To School
This review is about a professor. And they are seemingly such a lousy teacher that one student says they purposefully don't wear a seatbelt when driving to school as they would rather die than make their professor's class. Scoring just one point in the Easiness, Helpfulness, and Clarity categories, but a maximum of five points for Rater Interest, we think it's becoming more and more clear who this professor might be!
Mentioning no names, we think the professor comes from Canada, teaches psychology, and has had his 15 minutes of fame on YouTube.
Keep Calm And Carry On
This reviewer's droll, matter-of-fact humor suggests they are British or Australian - probably the latter as there aren't too many sharks off the coast of Britain. The killer line comes in the very first sentence when they say their visit to the island was "slightly marred by the shark bite." Then comes the blood loss, the makeshift ER, the blood transfusion, the cup of tea, and the slice of lemon cake. Read it and weep!
After a great set-up, comes the perfect punchline. They deducted one star because the lemon slice was a little dry. Talk about a "Keep Calm And Carry On" attitude!
Couldn't Have Asked for a Better Review
What isn't to love about this post? From the ghost of George Washington appearing in the mirror to the wearer of the T-shirt turning into a bald eagle and pooping Tomahawk missiles on ISIS terrorists. It's basically the most American thing in existence, and should have every proud patriot in the land falling to their knees to pledge allegiance to the red, white, and black stars and stripes tank T-shirt.
George Washington wore the same T-shirt when he famously cut down that cherry tree. Then, Abe Lincoln carved donuts into the White House lawn in his pickup truck while blasting Kid Rock. Then the two ex-presidents had a tailgate BBQ grill while watching NASCAR, line-danced under fireworks, and challenged each other to a drunken, naked mud wrestling duel before finally being married by an Elvis impersonator.
The Game Of Life
If only one person could have written the last review, a quarter of the world's population could have posted this one. The reviewer sums up modern life for most males by saying they enjoyed playing the game, but nothing else in their life had changed. Things might not have turned out so badly if they ate some vegetables instead of potato chips, joined a gym, and got some vitamin D in the form of sunlight.
Eat some greens, do some cardio, find the will to live, and you'll find your weiner will grow and you'll soon find a real girlfriend, not a blow-up one.
A Coffin Fit
Some reviews make us laugh til it hurts, while others are just plain odd. But this review for a silver iPad Pro is genuinely disturbing. The reviewer wanted to surprise his friend with a coffin for his 67th––and probably their last––birthday. We say last because presenting anyone with a surprise birthday coffin is enough of a shock to make anyone keel over and die right then and there on the spot.
In the old days, serial killers like The Zodiac Killer would send cryptic puzzles to newspapers. Nowadays, they boast about the crimes they're about to commit in Amazon reviews.
Got To Get That Monkey Off My Back
We love this kind of review. Short, snappy, and seriously silly. With just 14 words, comedian Chad wins the internet. The only problem is... you just know that someone will try it, perhaps by spreading it on a sandwich. Then ending up in the ER with their mouth glued together and breathing difficulties. How could we forget what happened to that poor girl who put Gorilla Glue in her hair?
While Chad's review is funny and smart, please do not eat Gorilla glue or any other kind of glue, or put it in your hair as you could end up in serious trouble.
This Translator App Is The Most Bestest Of The World
Doug Jongeword gave this translation app five stars and wrote a lovely review... if, that is, you speak gobbledygook. Luckily for you, we do speak gobbledygook so you don't have to. Doug starts off by saying he enjoys the app, and that the auto-rotate feature recognizes text. He goes on to say he can communicate better now that he has the app on his phone. So far, so good. But then...
Doug ends his write-up by saying he gently massages his grandmother! What a terrible translation! Everybody knows he meant to sign off with "Erotically massage my grandmother with duck fat."
Human Hamster
Upon first inspection, this oversized hamster water bottle is the very definition of when madness overtakes parents' brains. But wait a minute... the more you think about it, the more it makes sense. First, it's like having a water fountain without actually owning a working fountain. Next, it's fixed in place so the kid can't lose their water bottle. And finally, they can't spill their juice all over the place.
We started off bamboozled, but now we're sold on these kiddie hamster bottles. Does anyone know where we can we find a hamster wheel big enough for a four-year-old?
Have You Really, Though?
This student disses their school by calling it a box and saying they would rather be taught in a coffin. Which makes us think it might be the same reviewer who didn't wear a seatbelt because they hated their professor. But they also say they've seen better decor inside a nuclear bunker. And here's where we're going to call them out. Have you really visited a nuclear bunker? Because we have some questions...
Like where the hell was this nuclear bunker? How did you get in? What's the access code? Are you the President's son? And if so... which Ivy League school has such bad decor?
Nature Is Not What Jesus Would Have Wanted
Remember earlier when we mentioned misleading product descriptions? Well, this poor customer fell foul to a malodorous advert. Since they have cute baby skunks in their backyard, they ordered some socks featuring cute baby skunks. But when the socks arrived, the cute baby skunks were intertwined with spiky leaves and smoking that other type of skunk––marijuana. Or, as the reviewer hilariously calls it, The Devil's Lettuce! But it doesn't end there...
After imagining that the Fox-Sox they ordered for a friend might feature foxes taking molly or high on cocaine, they sign off by saying they hope the sock designer finds Jesus.
Who Put The Poo In Shampoo?
Kevin begins by waxing lyrical about Vanilla Lavender Pura shampoo. He likes the way the organic product works well and makes his hair "thick af" but on the downside, it smells like medicine. So, naturally, the next thing orally-retentive Kev does is eat it. Despite labeling his review "taste ok", he's surprised to find out that shampoo doesn't taste good, warns other curious folks not to eat it, then signs off by asking why they left that part off the label.
Kevin is probably the kind of person that thinks clothes labels should tell him to "remove human being before washing" and that body wash should come with instructions.
Mellow Yellow
This review is straight-up deranged. There's no other word for it. The insane writer wanted to give a positive review but is seemingly allergic to the color yellow. So, they did the sensible thing and provided a one-star review, so there was less yellow on their screen. Then they shouted THIS IS A POSITIVE REVIEW. NOT A BAD REVIEW. I AM RATING ONE STAR TO PREVENT YELLOW in block capital letters.
Maybe the reviewer is a member of DC Comics' Green Lantern Corp as yellow is like Kryptonite to them. The irony is that whoever censored the reviewer's name and profile picture chose to cover them in yellow just to rub salt in the wound.
When Is A Review Not A Review?
Dear old Clara here doesn't seem to understand how online reviews work. Ever since Yelp and Trip Advisor sprang into existence, she has been providing reviews for restaurants, cafes, and eateries that she hasn't been to and has no intention of going to. So far, she has given over a million restaurants a one-star review with the words, "I have never been at that restaurant," which isn't even a real sentence.
Only one hundred million more restaurants to not visit and then you'll win a set of commemorative "I have never been at that restaurant" spoons, Clara!
There's Nothing Worse Than Feeling Like You're In Australia
This review will leave you as baffled as the rest of us. Before we tell you where they were and which landmark they were reviewing, allow us to take a moment to reiterate that the writer states the place in question was full of Australians. Even worse than that, they explained that: "It felt like I was in Australia." So wait till you get a load of the famous landmark they were reviewing...
Yes, the landmark they were writing about was the Sydney Opera House. The one in Sydney. In Australia! What were they expecting to find, thousands of drunk Irish backpackers? Oh, hang on a minute!
Is This The World's Best-Ever Self-Own?
This Canadian guy bought two $600 Hush mattresses, one for him and one for his mom. What a kind and compassionate son, right? But when he saw two homeless people sleeping under a similar Hush mattress, he went ballistic. He asked why he had to work hard in a dry, heated building with other human beings and coffee and a regular paycheck, while these two freeloaders got to enjoy living under a bridge in the freezing cold with the same $600 mattress for free. HOW DARE THEY!
In a masterful self-own, he revealed he was almost angry enough to return and set fire to their mattress to teach them a lesson. And here was us thinking Canadians were meant to be nice!